Letting go...4

of the numerous posing sessions under the Japanese Cherry tree (it is the prettiest in early May just before FDR's Birthday)

of Uncle Kenny insisting on holding a sleepy Hannah during the Rush service

of Mary Kate's bright smile in our brightest of rooms...

of my gardens...

of backyard summer-corn-husking.

Letting go...3

of Mr. Cardinal in the late afternoon for feeding time

of M.K and her Godmother, Colline, singing in the choir each week

of Colin serving with Todd always close by...

of Luke receiving love while the chants of the Divine Liturgy are sung by Kevin John

Letting go...2

of the many family gatherings in the beautiful-spacious Dining room...
My sister Kim & I stripped wall paper and painted this room in a weekend -- she is a whirlwind. I'll miss those projects with her...

of snowmen-merry-making in the back yard...

of our Bella. Thanks a million TJM & KJB! We'll get to see her when we visit Niagara Falls.

Letting go...1

I will post several photos till Moving Day...
"A picture says a thousand words" as where I am finding it difficult to narrate the gamut of emotions we are all facing.

Bad day...

Still in a daze, my day was, how to say it...CRAZY! with one event leading to another.

I need to write it down as this day could be a scene from a movie or better yet in a "Callghan take me away" commercial with me as the typical type casted frazzled mom of 4!

10:25a.m - Running late to get child #1 off to a very exciting event where he with other children from Camp Good Days & Special Times will play hockey with a Buffalo Sabre. Why late: downloading picture off Internet for Mr.C to have a signed memorabilia.

10:45a.m - No time for breakfast because of reason #1. So, crazily drove through the local Dunkin Donuts for bagels and juice to only realize, when time to pay, that my credit card is not in my well organized wallet -- my mom used it the day before to fill up #2 vehicle and left it on the kitchen counter, where I did not enter this morning because check reason #1.

Needless to say, customer service at the drive-thru window was next to rudeness while she snorted in a scrunched up face "Well, what am I going to do with this huge order?!" "I can come back...", I say sheepishly. "CANCEL all those bagels!", she yelled to the bagel maker. As she turned to face me, she closed the drive-in window...I drove off frustrated and exceedingly hungry.

Racing back to fetch the forgotten credit card for I also needed to put gas in the van, since dear husband drove the night before and left it on "E".

10:55a.m - Ranting in heart pounding "we are going to be late" all the way (40 minute drive) and needing to be there by 11:30 -- "not gonna back it..."

11:28a.m. - Took the wrong exit because after all, I am too weak with hunger...

11:36a.m. - Arrived at Camp Good Days to a swarm of children and parents waiting in a line extending outside into the steamy just rained on parking lot. "Dang it - I can't just leave you here waiting like this"

I was impatient because I also need to meet hubby downtown Buffalo (back the other way 30 minutes) to sign closing papers at noon..."not gonna make it"

Having no cell phone, no cash added with my stomach producing angry sounds...I asked to borrow a phone to call FDR at work. He said that he would try to change the appt. to 1:00p.m. Freaking out inside, I faked a calm response "I'll try to get there..."

In the mean time, my other 3 not-so-well behaved and hungry children were impatiently waiting in the steamy van parked on the even steamier parking lot...

12:06p.m. - Filled tank up and went to McDonald's. We don't normally eat at McDonald's but this was an emergency and tasted....delicious!

12:11p.m. - From the far back of the van, child #4 is whining "I feel sick". I ask Hannah to step back there to help him and crank the A/C since it was becoming a hot sticky day.

Luke, who is not eating his chicken nuggets, starts to vomit into his happy meal bag while holding tightly to his new Transformer toy, yelling in between episodes"Watch my toy - not on my toy!" Hannah, at this moment, is not thrilled while hollering the obvious "He's puking!!!!!!!!!!"

Why not pull over? I cannot pull over because I am now on the Downtown Expressway (33) with no shoulder. Most dangerous place to drive or get into an accident...there are tall cemented walls to neighboring houses around you and traffic is NUTS!

12:35p.m. - Frantically arrive at Police Headquarters to pickup FDR...telling him about my stressful mid-morning commute.

12:40p.m. - While opening and stepping out of the car into the busy lunch time streets of downtown Buffalo, I managed to open our car door too wide and "WHACK!" I take off a passersby side view mirror.

As she pulls over, my husband the Accident Investigator, takes charge...I stood by helplessly with tears welling up in my eyes.

Turns out she was OK, thank God, and was not worried about the damage to her side mirror. The mirror actually shattered inside her car as her window was open. "Listen" she kindly stated while noticing that I was crying, "there are some things in life to be upset about, this is not one of them".

12:48p.m. - Without much of a thought and within 10 minutes, we sign the papers to close on our beloved house...

1:00p.m. - Take hubby back to headquarters -- got some cash and grabbed the cell phone from him. Headed back to pickup Colin, 30 minutes away, hoping that I had enough time to stop for a quick errand. I was beginning the start of a serious headache.

1:30p.m - "I feel sick" whines Luke again...and before I could pull over to find something...as a spectator through the rear view mirror, chocolate milk and french fries are the enormous mess I witness protruding from the boy.

Take note: this is our brand new van now christened with the undigested remains of Luke's lunch.

I pull over while Hannah, once again, hollers the obvious "Oh NO!! Lukey's puking AGAIN!!!!!!" I'm frazzled not knowing where to start this unpleasant task while grabbing what materials I had on hand (a few baby wipes and some used napkins) the remains going into unreachable crevices in the seats.

2:34p.m - Arrive at my mother-in-laws to clean the rest of the grossness as the children obviously unaware of my horrible day run off to play...

3:00p.m. - In weeping exhaustion, I collapse on my mother-in-laws couch

4:15p.m - Hubby comes to the rescue...he takes the whole family out for burgers and a bouncy, now healthy Luke, assuredly experienced car sickness, is requesting triumphantly "I feel better...I want ICE CREAM!"

Aware that these chain of events, in the grand scope of life, are essentially minor compared to others and realizing that this day could have fared worse; I'd be liar to say that none of this did not effect me...bodily and mentally.

In between episodes calling FDR, who remains calm, cool and always collected (must be a cop thing), reassures while encouraging me to "Give it to God, Kel, He will give you the strength and the endurance to keep going" I had no other choice -- couldn't ignore the wafting odor from the back seat or the chaos of this glorious day...

"I can do all things through Jesus Christ, who strengthens me"

even clean up...well, do I have to say it anymore?! Although, I did take the first opportunity to "crash"...now, tell me, dear FDR do you think I can get a massage? Just a thought...

Be ye Perfect...

I'm beginning to sense mood swings. Not only in myself but with the entire family. On most occasions we fair very well in getting along. But, as of lately, we all seem to dislike each other very much.

I am annoyed at all sounds coming from the children. It could be laughter which undoubtedly will turn into obnoxious behavior, where someone gets hurt, whether it is their feelings or a physical torment.

In packing & hearing such noise - noise -noise, I cannot hone in on normal functional thinking in that my feeble brain can't clear a thought as to how I am suppose to place the item I am wrapping neatly away into the box! "Now what did I just pack?" "Where is that packing tape, again?" "Luke, gimme that (permanent black) marker!" "Aw, come on guys, you'll get everything back in a few weeks"

As for FDR, well...we have fewer moments of meaningful conversation and more unreasonable conversations. That and the fact that his packing skills are left to be desired next to my perfect orderly system. "No, honey! your baseball cards shouldn't go in the box with your National Geographics - they belong, clearly, in the box labeled, no brainer here: BASEBALL CARDS (Store). I tend to point that out and well, we get along, perfectly! I miss my (im)perfect husband's conversations - other than the move.

Preoccupied, with my packing perfectionism, I'm stuck in a muddled state when it comes to getting dressed, doing laundry, cooking & also in remembering to eat, exercise - at least a short walk, allotting down-time with the children, or start the kids 4th quarterly report (due last month!), submit my letter of intent to home school, order more books for schooling, pack Colin and Hannah for 2 weeks of camp to the Antiochian Village -- at least they get a break out of this ginormous move.

"Not fair!" I want to shout or am I the one not being fair? No, I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Now, that's not being perfect, is it?

I'm failing to mention, too ashamed to mention is that I'm not praying either. To remain grateful in all things, even during the obnoxious noise and in my dear husband's packing style. I cease to give God a mere thought because, after all, I have too much to do and my way of getting it done. I am miserable and miserable to those I love the most.

Believe me "if you could be a fly on the wall" just ask the children, for I quote the 11 year old, "Mommy, you're super mean and you don't have to be". Okay, that was perfectly painful, it may even leave a mark! Nevertheless, Colin is right, out of line, yes, but correct in the judgement of my appalling behavior.

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"

Crying for mercy, I realize that mercy is before me all the time in the form of wonderful friends, a terrific husband, and my mother; who are there for me even when I have not asked.

"Uncle Todd" drops by and takes my older two out to lunch. The next day, he courageously takes all 4 to the local pool. Needless to say, he was exhausted and I thank him for stepping out of his comfort zone.

My treasured friend, L, during our many "mommy-only" dinners and wine sipping, helps me wrap my finite mind around this HUGE change. Our conversations are endless and I love her, her beautiful family (that includes C too), for her straight-forwardness, her empathy in all aspects of my life perfectly blended with tearful laughter.

My husband's ideal timing in his humor and patience when I need to seriously lighten up!

My mom, even though we tend to have many differences for we are both extremely strong-willed; she is always available to watch the children for the countless errands, weddings, dinners but most importantly, when I need to sleep-in.

Let me not forget the children: They continue to impress me with their resignation and adaption to a change they themselves cannot fathom. With bitter-sweet anticipation they oblige in obeying us. Actually, they have larger issues when it comes to who has the bigger piece of cake than packing up all their belongings...I am grateful with their perseverance.

Thank you Lord for your Divine mercies, in-spite of my numberless transgressions, may I abide in your Perfect Love.

Swap Goodies!

I received my package a few days ago...thanks Coleen -- it's lovely. I, too, would love to visit Italy and sip all sorts of wine.

Your package went into the mail today. Please forgive me for sending it off so late -- this move has occupied all my extra time. Thanks for your patience...I hope that it will be worth the wait.

Notice my little thief in the photo: The children couldn't wait to test their little taste buds on the Biscotti...I managed to save a few for myself.

Thanks again Sylvia for organizing...it was fun to see what everyone received, even though I was the last one to get her package off!

Photos that go with previous post

Father Deacon Raphael (left) with Father Deacon Nicodemus holding the reliquary covering of St. Herman of Alaska at The Holy Resurrection Cathedral, Kodiak, Alaska


















Spruce Island, Alaska
Pathway toward St. Herman's miraculous spring.

I love this photo with the black robes against the green foliage.
Truly beautiful!

Most Holy Father Herman of Alaska, pray unto God for us!

Doubt or Panic? Which one comes first?

I feel like St. Peter when he walked out onto the water to be with Jesus. My eyes, heart, and mind remain fastened on Him. However, now I feel like I am sinking...

In one day, the tub overflowed with the help of the 3 year old "bailing ship". "But, mommy my boat it's broken!" As water poured into the basement, I start to panic -- yelling for FDR. "Umm, HONEY -- get down here, NOW!" About an hour later, still soaking up the water mess from the boy, I sensed an odor, "What is that smell? Did someone not flush, again?" After a brief investigation, we headed back to the basement realizing that the sewer backed up..."Oh for heaven's sake!"

Here, in Western New York, we've had tons of rain --wonderful thunder storms, of which later that night we awoke with rain literally drowning, now this time, our upstairs bathroom. The gutter outside was obviously clogged and the rain poured inside the window causing a mini lake. As I grabbed more towels...only to do this laundry later -- I started to cry...panic...doubt!

Could this be a sign? A sign that we are making the wrong choice or possibly the right one, in moving all of us away from what we know and truly love into the unknown of seminary living? I start my "stinking thinking", as FDR calls it, and thought "Who am I fooling? I can't even handle some water issues -- what makes me think that I can handle seminary life?"

"But when he (Peter) saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out saying "Lord help me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I was about to drown in my panic hesitation of wavering doubt, with logosmoi pulling down on me..."Lord help me!"

As I mentioned before, everything has worked out...every little detail from exactly 1 year ago up until today...

Last summer, July 31, 2007, FDR and I had the privilege of traveling to Kodiak Alaska to assist the week prior to and participate in the St. Herman of Alaska Pilgrimage. During the pilgrimage week, once a year, permission is granted to open the reliquary of St. Herman for veneration after the Akathist service. As I walked away, I surveyed my husband standing over the sarcophagus, holding the lid up for all to see inside. My husband was covered in a cloud, no doubt the presence of God in front of his very mortal being.

The room began to take on a different shape where movements appeared to slow and sounds became crystal clear...the flicker of the candles could be heard. A sensational light fragrance filled the church. It was after boating to Spruce Island the next day, where St. Herman lived, that the fragrance came back to me and seeped into my woolen sweater -- into the pores of my skin. It was the spruce trees! It was the ground! Those mammoth trees growing towards the heavens permeated in many many years of prayer -- rooted deep and strong into the carpeted brownie-green moss anchored into the earth's most beautiful sweet smelling soil.

After venerating St. Herman's relics, I went to borrow one of the Yupik babies to help out one of the seminary moms. I proceeded outside to rest on the Cathedral's front steps. Sitting on the steps with this adorable pudgy baby, I began to scan the breath taking scenery of snow-covered mountain tops and the mirrored glass of St. Paul Harbor. There, the Holy Spirit came to me, I believe, or St. Herman, quiet yet a still presence. No, I did not hear anything audible. The world around me magnified...the air still, not stifling. The leaves danced to a melody unknown until this moment of grace appeared. And it was just that...grace -- penetrating into the fibers of my being. It was as hot oil, not scorching, had been poured over my head and reached to the tip of my toes and fingers -- warming me from within. This was well with my soul and I knew...that we ought to go to seminary. That is all I knew. I began to shiver but I was warm all over. My face was flushed yet I was not overheated. A joy seeped in -- a gentle smile of tears...those quiet tears that well up from your soul.

Pulling myself together with heart pounding secrecy awaiting to speak with my husband, as he finished his "Deacon duties". He finally came outside onto the steps of the Cathedral, where I was mingling with visiting pilgrims, and I noticed he looked different -- such peace in his eyes. I could sense that he too, couldn't wait to speak with me.

Reaching for his hand, I quietly said "Let's walk...a good walk, I need to talk with you" "I would like that", he answered with his sweetest of smiles.

We walked hand in hand...I started to cry. This time, these tears would not stop and they flowed just like the rain coming into our window. We connected -- we were in agreement and we knew. He spoke first with careful softness "We should go to seminary -- I don't know if it's here in Alaska...I don't know where, still I feel the call to go." With a firm embrace, he twirled me around and reminded me that he, in his short lifetime, only had this "feeling" two other times: 1) when he knew he loved me and wanted to make me his bride 2) when he knew that The Orthodox Church was where we needed be and 3) that he was called to seminary -- to ministry.

WHEW! How do you object to that?

In one day, in one hour of walking we laid out plans, which actually seemed like seconds, then we prayed "Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, according to your will."

You see, about 2 years ago, I was adamantly against going off to seminary. I loved my home too much -- where could we find one like it again? Doubt! How on earth are we going to pay for this? We had gone through a very rough patch financially...panic and doubt! I cannot leave my family -- what about my mom, my friends, the home school group, what about church? Panic! I wanted him to keep working as a police officer, where he was burned out and restless -- a conflict of interests, as he put it.

The home we loved (still adore) sold, although, we find ourselves relieved with much gratitude. We graciously received a full three-year scholarship...Thank you Lord! We will undoubtedly miss our friends and family. Nevertheless, they have been the backbone in affirming that we OUGHT TO GO...our cup runneth over -- we are truly blessed! Father Deacon Raphael, aka Lt. Kevin, retires after 20 years of service July 31, in addition to, we close on the house -- exactly one year from our trip to Alaska...uncanny!

I cannot promise that my panic hesitation with wavering doubt will not creep in from time to time...still, I stand amazed -- whether it be on the water or in a foot of rainwater -- I am in awe of God!

"...Truly You are the Son of God."

A note to self: "Do not dig up in doubt what you have planted by Faith"