Everything Down the Chute

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

2009-09-30T09:53:00.001-07:00

A dear soul shared this with me. Her beautiful, healing and poignant words have pierced my soul. Thank you ever so much, sister in Christ...

Fearfully and wonderfully made

You were fearfully and wonderfully

made

Tiny form never gracing this earth

My broken womb never giving you birth

You were fearfully and wonderfully

made.

I will always wonder how you were knit together—

boy or girl?

I will always wonder if blonde and blue—

or black way curl?

Though I never heard your heart beat

and though your life began incomplete

You were fearfully and wonderfully

made.

God is Sovereign and Good.

Even though I may not, He understood

That time and place would not be yours

And you would only see heaven’s door

You were fearfully and wonderfully

made.

We loved the thought of you

while you were in my womb

I am sorry, little one, that my womb became your tomb.

You were fearfully and wonderfully

made.

May you rest in perfect peace.

May you enjoy from this world, release

and may you recognize those who gave you life

Someday in Paradise

for you were fearfully and wonderfully

made.

CJZ8-98

May your baby's memory be eternal.Love, Cindy Zimmerman

Blessed are they...

2009-09-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

The past months have been long and slow while dream filled plans are laid out. So much of our conversations are monopolized with friends and family as we prepared for baby #5...

Without warning I awoke one morning and all was about to change, darkened by an indescribable inner-silence of pain. Tuesday September 1, the sad-reality hit that I was miscarrying our baby. The next day, we had a sonogram affirming what we had already feared. Salt was rubbed into an old wound, taking me back to our first miscarriage 6 years ago.

This time was to be different...we "planned" this baby. Please do not misunderstand me, we received news of our previous births with great happiness-- just this time, ALL of us were included. The children's anticipated preparations, along with our own, made this pregnancy all the more, well, meaningful. Before, they were too small to ever realize that life grew tender and small in a mother's womb...to truly understand that Life was a gift from God.

"Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted"

With undefined grief we mourned while comfort like a welcoming warm shower poured in flooding us with His love. We knew this to be a blessing... humbly allowing others to nurse, cook, clean, watch children, sit and cry and laugh with, we were yielding to God's goodness, He who is the Comforter of our souls.

Time seems to have slowed down as this life swirls by, picking me up in a comforting embrace. Many weeks later, the sting from the loss of our baby slowly heals. In grief, one becomes keenly aware of their own weaknesses (thankfully) and strengths (Lord have mercy) recognizing that all Good and Perfect things come from Jesus Christ.

At least for a time, please understand my decision for a sabbatical from my blog. As I stated in the beginning, this was a meek attempt to place all things in God's hands, to seek what is needful while trusting, while allowing others to enter into my life...to place "everything down the chute"

Everyday I am thankful to God for all of you! If it weren't for the blogging world, I would not have been blessed by your faithful sisterhood. I have grown to truly love you all so much.

"I am filled with comfort; with all our tribulation and in spite of it, I am filled with comfort, I am overflowing with joy." 2 Corinthians 7:4

A Review: The Life of Saint Brigid

2009-07-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

"In ancient days a little girl was born..."

One MUST meet St. Brigid: Abbess of Kildare. After reading this book, my family is encouraged and strengthened by her life. St. Brigid loved purely as Christ commanded us to, shared all that she had (and what others had as well). A true sense of "Robin Hood" offering all unto the Lord:

"O God, bless my pantry! Pantry which the Lord hasblessed. Mary's
son, my friend, come and bless my pantry"

Along with my children, we remain entranced with Jane G Meyer's simple beautiful language and caught up in the inspiring illustrations by Zachary Lynch.

Musical to the ears, just the way an ancient Celtic tale should be heard. A feast to the eyes with all it's Celtic splendor!

"Momma, read it again...if we have a baby girl, we really should name her Brigid!" Hmm...

Saint Brigid, pray unto God for us!

P.S. with gratitude to Jane for writing about St. Brigid, sending us a copy, trusting me with a review...May God grant you many years AND many more books!

Changes

2009-07-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

To actually blurt it out would seem so informal, possibly tactless on my behalf but here goes: We are expecting #5 in late March...er, Holy week! Most of you may already know from my face book page and with a thankful-heart we receive all your warm prayerful well-wishes.

We are excited AND nervous! -- the children are ecstatic and ask everyday (the younger ones especially) where the baby is?, how big?, when will he/she be here?, what shall we name the baby?, where will the baby sleep?, etc, etc, etc...

I heard once: "If you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans" The plan was to prepare for hubby's ordination and well, we are comforted and aware that God's timing is everything and we are grateful - relieved more like it - to remain at our current status in the church.

This new life, God-willing, is very welcoming, indeed!

Together on the Beach

2009-06-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

All together again

our view and short walk each day...

united with her dear friend...

yeah...he's alright!

beauty deep inside

some R&R...

love this little face!

Love this nature-girl!

yeah, he's pretty cool...

frolicing with his big sissy and "other mommy"

that's all you'll get from me...

a little friend stopped by

Hopeful indeed!

2009-06-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

"For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:24-28

2009-06-17T10:08:00.001-07:00

http://bonovox.squarespace.com/journal/2009/6/17/ordination-cancelled.html#comments

Down hearted...

2009-06-16T16:28:00.001-07:00

Not sure how else to write this. Not sure what to think, feel or say. For, I may say too much, think too much and feel too much. Weighted heaviness.

FDR's ordination is not a go. Not "accepted" for lack of paper work that was needed by our Bishop? There is much more here, yet we choose to Love; covering a multitude of transgressions--may God give us the strength!

We have been assured that this decision has nothing to do with him. Truthfully, we are caught in a whirlwind of political affairs--a giant wait-and-hold-on sticky net hoping and praying for our leaders to straighten out the current torrential mess in the Archdiocese. I need not say much; we all know the current state of the archdiocese.

I ask for your prayers. Pray hard for the church, the Hierarchy, and the clergy.

This too shall pass -- I hold onto this and can only trust in God's will.

By God's grace...

2009-06-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

14 years ago I married this man, where TODAY I love him with more intensity than that glorious June 3rd day.

"Together...

We have loved, laughed, cried, sacrificed and endured.

I would not change a thing."

May God continue to give us strength to endure while sacrificing -- remembering to laugh, cry and love all the days of our lives.

As you can tell...I'm mad about this man!

I'm still here

2009-05-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

INSANELY BUSY! Yep, that's been my life since May 3...when we (sans FDR) left --homeward bound. There is a long list of menial reasons for the "no-other-way" separation, that if I begin to tell you, you may think me mad. I shall spare you the boring details assuring you that we are well, thank God. Normalcy, as we Barberg's know it, is -- well, let's just say we're on the right road--I think.

This past year has brought on it's share of adjustments--for all of us. This time last year, we were on a 2 week vacation in Destin--soaking up the glorious beach and bam! the house finally sold while away. We returned to start the frenzied packing, sorting, tossing, with worry--praying and finally handing our earthly cares to God. It's hard to believe a full year has whirled past us at warped speed. I only pray God continues to give us His grace as we continue and learn while completely trusting in His ways--His path for our salvation.

All in all, it's been good to be home up north. To be with treasured friends and solid family members who share in our fight to follow God's will for our lives. We can not thank them enough for opening their homes, in sharing their food--it's no easy feat in feeding this gang, sacrificing their spare towels and space and even some extra funds. We are truly loved. It is amazing when others can come out of their "comfort-zones" for your sake. "Every good and perfect thing comes from above" May I remain grateful in and for ALL things.

We'll return to SVS June 1 and from there--well, I'll have to tell you then...

As we travel life's road, my love and prayers dear friends.

Water Fun on a Hot day!

2009-04-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

"I've been tagged"

2009-04-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

8 Things I am looking forward to:
1. my husband's elevation to the Holy Priesthood in June
2. our summer vacations: Carolina Beach with the kids and the other is a 2nd honeymoon to St. Croix for 10 days (sans kids, of course)
3. St. George Camp in August
4. the next school year (going in as 2nd years is comforting)
5. eating more and more sushi (really, I am!)
6. exercising to better health and for strength
7. a return trip to Alaska (hopefully next summer)
8. heading home for the month of May to be with friends and family

8 Things I did yesterday:
1. took Emily and sweet Abigail to the airport...all by myself (a proud driving moment through this NYC mess).
2. treated the kids and mom out for breakfast (a treat for me too)
3. bought Colin new glasses and rec specs (finally)
4. visited with FDR's cousin, Micah. Haven't seen him in 10 years...he's all grown up!
5. went out for sushi dinner with hubby and our monk friend, Fr. Christopher (a treat for him and another for me)
6. watched the rest of "Little Dorrit" by Charles Dickens on masterpiecetheatre.com
7. I did not clean, straighten or tidy a thing in my house...that is something!
8. I wore flip-flops all day

8 Things I wish I could do:
1. exercise more patience with the children
2. pray more
3. trust God more and worry less
4. exercise more
5. less talking to listen better
6. spend all day sipping tea while reading book after book...one for the kids, one for me, one with hubby, one in a book club among friends (but I may want to sip some vino during that).
7. take a class in photographing/photo shop
8. love by letting go...

8 Shows I Watch (I don't watch so much any more, but we watch a few on-line)
1. LOST!
2. The Office
3. Masterpiece Theatre!
4. Nova
5. American Experience
6. PBS cartoons (with the kids)
7. Rachael Ray (rarely)
8. Yankees game

A good link...

2009-04-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

http://orthodoxseminarian.blogspot.com/

This is a great insight into the life of the Priesthood from our friend, Michael Sakran. Not only am I baised because my husband and he are classmates but we, FDR and I, are to be the God-parents to their soon-to-be-born-twin boys: Gabriel and Michael!
May God grant them all many years!

May God give us Strength

2009-04-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

"For the priestly office is indeed discharged on earth,but it ranks amongst heavenly ordinances; and very naturally so:for neither man, nor angel, nor archangel, nor any other created power, but the Paraclete Himself, instituted this vocation, and persuaded men while still abiding in the flesh to represent the ministry of angels. Wherefore the consecrated priest ought to be as pure as if he were standing in the heavens themselves in the midst of those powers."
"On the Priesthood." St John Chrysostom,
N&PNF, First Series, Volume IX. p. 46.

By the grace of God and the laying on of hands by His Grace Bishop ALEXANDER, Fr. Deacon Raphael, my beloved husband, will be elevated to the Holy Priesthood June 28th, at our hometown parish, St. George Antiochian Orthodox Church in Niagara Falls, New York during the 2009 Parish Life Conference.

While trusting in God's timing, we did not have plans nor any expectations once here at St. Vladimir's. However, it came upon us peacefully, in a quiet still voice, knocking at our door.

We have enjoyed 8 years of my husband's diaconal ministry in the Church. FDR often refers to the order of the Diaconate as "the best of both worlds". Undoubtedly, his elevation brings us, our family, to a whole different level and much is to change...a struggle and a blessing, indeed!
Please keep us, as we keep you, in your prayers.
"I know my own soul, how feeble and puny it is: I know the magnitude of this ministry, and the great difficulty of the work; for more stormy billows vex the soul of the priest than the gales which disturb the sea." (p.49).

Christ is Risen! Truly He is Risen!

2009-04-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

The angel exclaimed to her, full of grace: "Rejoice, O Pure Virgin; again I say, rejoice! Your Son is risen from the grave on the third day and has raised the dead. Let all nations rejoice!"

Shine in splendor, O new Jerusalem! For the glory of the Lord is risen upon you, O Sion; sing with joy and rejoice! And you, pure Mother of God, rejoice in the resurrection of your Son.

How pleasingly divine and sweet was Your voice, O Christ, when You promised, without fail, to remain with us until the end of time. We, the faithful, rejoice in this firm foundation of hope.

O Christ, Great and Sacred Pasch, Wisdom, Power, and Word of God, grant that we be with You in Your kingdom on the never-ending day.

HIRMOS
Shine in splendor, O new Jerusalem! For the glory of the Lord is risen upon you, O Sion; sing with joy and rejoice! And you, pure Mother of God, rejoice in the resurrection of your Son.

EXAPOSTILARION
You, O King and Lord, have fallen asleep in the flesh as a mortal man, but on the third day You arose again. You have raised Adam from his corruption and made Death powerless. You are the Pasch of Incorruption. You are the Salvation of the world.

Image of God

2009-04-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

God-willing, from the image above, we pray that Luke will strive to be an aspiring iconographer of fine frescoes in many colorful hues and gold depicting God's perfect image. (sadly, after snapping Luke's art work, I had to use the magic eraser on the wall)

With prayers seeking patient guidance and understanding, we find ourselves blessed with Luke's many talents...talents that also make us scratch our heads in bewilderment or wanting to frantically pull out our hair!

Most importantly, may our son strive to love with a Godly love, while living body and soul for Jesus Christ, the son of God -- the giver and lover of all mankind!

Hmm, on second thought, maybe a grand chanter...

"Lazarus, come forth." And he who was without breath obeyed the One Who gave him breath, the Savior of our souls."

2009-04-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

SVS Children sing the Troparion:

By raising Lazarus from the dead before Your Passion,You confirmed the universal resurrection, O Christ God!Like the children with palms of victory,We cry out to You, O Vanquisher of Death;Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is He that comes in the name of the Lord!

observing

2009-03-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

Often, I struggle in searching for precise words describing the many impressionable emotions swirling inside my mind, heart and soul. Here, are my wanna-be-amateur- photo-taking-skills; hopefully capturing the essence of holy observations. There is a wealth of incredible beauty that surrounds us...especially that of The Church. There is a natural-growing, transfigured, yet not suppressed, beauty while observing my children's child-like readiness as all their senses awaken when they "come and see that the Lord is good".

Praying that all had a blessed Feast in celebrating The Annunciation of the Most -Holy Theotokos. Hopefully, this respite from the Great Fast was nourishment to weary souls in continuing the good and Holy Fight...Blessed Lent!

introducing the Talented MK!

2009-03-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

Mark Kate's video debut, with a little help from her dear friend "Miss Katie". Enjoy!

I've watched this over and over as it keeps a huge smile on my face!

We're the Lucky ones!

"Let us Begin with Joy"

2009-03-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

Let us enter the Fast with joy, O faithful.
Let us not be sad.
Let us cleanse our faces with the waters of dispassion,
blessing and exalting Christ forever.

Let us begin the Fast with joy.
Let us give ourselves to spiritual efforts.
Let us cleanse our souls.
Let us cleanse our flesh.
Let us fast from passions as we fast from foods,
taking pleasure in the good works of the Spirit
and accomplishing them in love
that we may be made worthy to see the passion of
Christ our God
and His Holy Pascha,
rejoicing with spiritual joy.
(First Friday Matins)

Forgive me a sinner...

2009-03-01T17:47:00.000-08:00

By your prayers for the next 40 days, my wavering attentions make room for Great Lent.

I'll do all this by falling, getting up and falling to get up again and again.

May the mirror of my sins be ever before me. May I keep forgiving...

In all my ways, may I acknowledge Him, who is Christ the Lord.

May I learn that Great Lent is more than the abstaining of food but rather that which ought not come into my thoughts nor dare reach my wretched tongue.

In fervent prayers, my I abstain from the flesh of the world as God directs my path where I struggle to trust in Him, the Bread of Life!

May I endure to fight the good fight while praying, through the intercessions of the Most Holy Theotokos and all the Saints, for His strength in attaining True Love, till the end of my days.

May I learn to quiet my mind - placing Truth into my heart - to make room for He who cannot be contained!

God forgives a sinner, as must I, a sinner, forgive...

Blessed Lent!

Everything out in the open...

2009-02-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

While speaking to a friend on the phone, FDR mentioned how much I missed my laundry chute and how EVERYTHING now is thrown into a hamper inside our room -- out in the open where others may happen to smell it -- EVERYDAY!
I laughed...remembering how blissfully simple it was to toss all our dirty laundry down the chute into the darkness of the basement. I laugh...knowing full well that our dirty laundry is OUT IN THE OPEN for anyone to view.

Living at our old home was an oasis; it was an island of our very own. Privileged few saw anything out of place -- unfortunately only available to those residing inside. Nevertheless, here on campus in an apartment building among several other families, the magnifying glass is in front of me. Did I mention the laundry area is right outside our door? All who do their dreaded must-do chore hear, hopefully not always, the going ons of the Barberg gang.
Yesterday was an unexpected blessing. After minutes from throwing my back out, this community came calling offering all the help needed from watching/feeding children, setting up a chiropractor appointment, preparing a meal, precisely situating the heating pad while taking in the aroma of the un-showered moi. And then, then, the laundry was washed and folded!

A self-proclaimed (and many on-going confessions) control freak...a sassy "I'll-do-it-myself"; *this* allowing others IN is uncomfortable territory for me. But since I was stuck literally on my back, I had no other option and relinquished control. Letting go where others are, indeed, welcome into my mess, inspite of this messy soul, and are willingly embraced.
To think that I had the nerve to believe one could handle anything on their own -- by hiding away -- by hibernating the soul! God-given love is the remedy. Carefully, I learn, for myself that is, that by allowing others to truly love you, to receive God's grace, and forgiveness... it is then one may start to heal...Lord have mercy!

So, for now, I actually like my dirty laundry out there while tending to it more often -- rechecking and rechecking to make sure I am well enough to help others the way they have helped me.
Thank you!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls, and doesn’t have another to lift him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Memory Lane...

2009-02-06T07:43:00.000-08:00

My twin sister, Kimmy, and me at our First Holy Communion when we were Catholic before we were Protestant and where I am now, Eastern Orthodox...whew! :)

I think I am 17 here...with the Amy Grant look-a-like hair do!

Senior Prom 1991!

Bear with me as I embellish my listening pleasure -- a little. Upon a stimulating response from a friend, and with all my affection, I shall fill the need to endulge our memories...

Last word

2009-01-29T17:30:00.000-08:00

Lately, okay more than once a day, I am entangled in this web of where I fail miserably in trying my hardest, against my will no less, in keeping my mouth shut. The battle of the wills surmounts in the never-ending need to get the last word in, or is that out? In other words, I would like to break the cycle of continuous arguments with my children.

This largely occurs with my older two whenever it comes to chores, school work, when, how long and where they can spend time with their friends. I mean every time I say "no", "did you do your chores?" or "How about finishing your Math" etc... The correct answer being: "yes, Ma'am" or "no, Ma'am". However, I hear moans, groans, and the infamous but, but...it's not my fault!

Now reader, we have schedules of "to-do" lists for the work that is expected to be accomplished throughout a given day -- for all within the family. No one is exempt...For Goodness sakes! this is not at all new to anyone. So why the resistance? Why the weeping and gnashing of teeth? ARGH!!!!

I realize that yes, in fact, I am the parent here and not trying to make friends with my on-the-threshold-adolescent children. On many occasions I have been dubbed "the mean mommy" Although, I know this is par-for-the-course, yet it stings...a tad bit. No mom wants to be the meany. Yet, I know my actions and reactions toward the children's balking is to be firm while being loving. I lose site of loving them while remaining firm and lose the firmness while loving. The truth is I have never done this before. I've never raised a "tween" nor read the-book-of-the-month-club and lack the wisdom to write one on this topic.

I love my children very much. Let me be honest, there are those times -- those moments when, well, I'd like to hop on the next available plane and head for Bali or Greece to escape it all. Reality hits knowing that I could not nor should I do this...unless, of course, the trip is well thought out and planned with my husband's blessing :)

While my finger-tips quickly form the words of my heated thoughts, dear hubby is preparing dinner, so that is an escape. In the background the two youngest are arguing about who knows what. Hannah puts out the fire. Colin helps his father set the table. It is, afterall, his "kitchen duty". So, that is also a break, right?

Be thankful in the small moments. Ah! yes, to remain grateful.

Pray for me, a sinful mother, who seriously has no clue what she is doing. I live and pray only by God's grace - day to day. Thank God that is all He gives us...any more and this gal would find the nearest crazy house. Oh yes, she already lives there...

"Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth. A door of enclosure about my lips. Incline not my heart to evil words, to make excuses in sins..."Psalm 140:3-4a

Moments at the March for Life...

2009-01-23T09:35:00.001-08:00

In the midst of the massive amount of God's faithful believers, here my family stood for four hours...may the prayers of all be according to God's ultimate will.

FDR with Hannah and Colin

I love this shot (well done DH) where you can get a glimpse of the amount of faithful that showed up on this beautiful sunny Washington DC day holding onto hope through their prayers

Met. JONAH of the OCA giving the first address to the faithful

Hannah united with Srs. Vicki and Martha from the Monastery of the Holy Transfiguration in Ellwood City, PA...happy smiles all around!

one of the many icon banners of St. Elizabeth and the Theotokos, as expectant mothers, bearing in their wombs the Forerunner John the Baptist and Jesus Christ, the Son of God!

Hannah with a friend, Lucy

FDR in the thick of it all...awesome!

The following is taken from the National Review by Frederica Matthews-Green

Just two days after the inauguration, another crowd fills Washington
streets, the pro-lifers who gather each year for the "March for Life." This
January 22 marks the 36th anniversary of Roe v Wade, and after so many years
with little change or improvement, the nation has grown a bit blasé about this
annual demonstration against abortion. We still say abortion is a "hot issue"-
but if you think about it, it's not as hot as it used to be. The abortion
controversy used to command cover space on magazines, and TV networks showcased
hour-long debates. You don't see that anymore.

You could say that
people just got tired of hearing about it. Year after year the two sides said
mostly the same thing, and nothing much changed. Eventually, public attention
was bound to sidle off to a newer, more exciting topic (gay marriage, anyone?).
When attention drifted, it was the pro-choice side that had command of the
status quo.
And you could say that that settles that; from now on there will
be less and less talk about abortion, and we'll just get used to things the way
they are.

But I can imagine things going a different way. Not
soon-maybe not till the baby boomers have passed from the scene-but it's
possible that a younger generation will see abortion very differently. And the
reason is, as the saying goes, "Nobody knows when life begins." With abortions
now running around 1.2 million per year, the total number of abortions since Roe
v Wade is about 49 million. That's a big number-about a sixth of the US
population. It's a big number, if you're not absolutely sure that it's *not*
life.

After all, if you saw a little girl hit by a car, you're
going to yell, "Get an ambulance!" not "Get a shovel!" It's in the very fabric
of humanity to be on the side of life, if there's the faintest hope that life
exists. We don't throw children away when we're not sure whether they're alive
or not. And, as the pro-choice side never stops saying, it's not that they're
positive a fetus is "not alive" - it's that they're not sure.

When
I was a young fire-breathing college feminist in the early 70's, we didn't see
abortion as a melancholy private decision-it was an act of liberation. By
choosing abortion, a woman could show that she was the only person in charge of
her life, and bowed to no one else's control. But this formulation turned sour
as the grief felt by post-abortion woman began to accumulate. The flip side of
autonomy is loneliness, and for many women, their abortion decision was linked
to emotional abandonment.

And then there was the advent of
ultrasound technology, enabling live images of a baby moving in the womb. In
1989, word went round the pro-life movement to order the tape of pollster
Harrison Hickman's presentation at that year's NARAL convention. On it he said,
"Nothing has been as damaging to our cause as the advances in technology which
have allowed pictures of the developing fetus, because people now talk about
that fetus in much different terms than they did 15 years ago. They talk about
it as a human being, which is not something that I have an easy answer how to
cure."

So there are some reasons to think that the abortion
question has not been settled, but has merely gone underground. That might be a
necessary step. It has to go away so that it can be rediscovered, and seen in a
fresh light.

I don't expect that reconsideration soon: my Boomer
generation will never see abortion as anything other than the wise and
benevolent gift we bestowed on all future generations. We still control the
media, the universities, and so forth, and it will take time for all of us to
topple off the end of the conveyer belt.

But the time is coming
when a younger generation will be in charge, and they may well see abortion
differently. They could see it, not as "a woman's choice" but as a form of
state-sanctioned violence inflicted on their generation. It was their brothers
and sisters who died; anyone under the age of 36 could have been aborted (and
somewhere around a fourth or a fifth of all pregnancies, in fact, are aborted).
A younger generation might feel a strange kinship with the brothers and sisters,
classmates and coworkers, who are missing.

And I'm afraid that, if
they do see things that way, they aren't going to go easy on my generation. Our
acceptance of abortion is not going to look like an understandable goof. The
next generation can fairly say, "It's not like they didn't know." They'll say,
"After all, they had sonograms." And they may judge us to be
monsters.

Maybe that won't happen. Maybe future generations won't
think twice about abortion. But even we who have grown sick of talking about it
still harbor some doubts. In particular, people who think of themselves as
defenders of the weak and the oppressed must have many a quiet moment when they
wonder, "How, in this one issue, did I wind up on the side that's defending
death?"

There's a lot of ambivalence out there, and a lot of
unspoken grief too, I think. So you never know. Pro-choice may have won the
day-but sooner or later, that day will end. No generation can rule from the
grave. When that time comes, another generation will sit in judgment of ours.
And they are not obligated to be kind.********Frederica Mathewes-Greenwww.frederica.com

March for Life

2009-01-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

Thirty five years ago on January 22, 1973, Roe Vs. Wade, altered the course of our moral history.

I am in silence today, in prayer for the unborn, the aborted, the women living with the aftermath of their choice to either abort or who have chosen to keep their unborn child.

My thoughts extend to the Theotokos where she was alone, never knowing a man. Yet, in the midst of being unwedded, she willingly gave her life -- her body to bear the Son of God for all of mankind.

For many years I have dreamed of attending the March for Life in Washington DC, but my husband and the two eldest are going instead (too long a day with the little ones) along with a handful from St. Vladimir's Seminary consisting of priests, students, wives, and families. In prayerful efforts they will hold onto their icons and banners.

This year Metropolitan Jonah will lead the Orthodox delegation at the March for Life and will be the first religious leader to speak at the rally on Capital Hill. They also will be joining Saint Tikons Seminary and the large Orthodox Christian for Life http://www.oclife.org/oclife.html contingent in the March for Life from the White House to the Supreme Court for a prayer service. From there they will go to St. Nicholas Cathedral.

Please take a moment to pray... every day on this decision. May our Lord have mercy on us all!

http://www.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/historics/USSC_CR_0410_0113_ZS.html
a great site from Cornell University describing Roe vs. Wade. You can also Wikipedia the topic.

http://www.marchforlife.org/

Time

2009-01-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

Time is short, and it is unknown when it will expire.
Therefore, let us struggle and be careful and expel every evil thought with
anger and fervent prayer. And if we shed tears, we shall benefit greatly,
for tears cleanse the soul and make it whiter than snow. Let us stand
ready for battle courageously, for we wrestle against the powers of darkness, which never make allies and never lessen their attacks. Therefore, let us rouse ourselves and not be drowsy, for our eternal life is at stake. If we lose the victory, we have lost our soul, have utterly lost eternal rest and joy in God, and have condemned ourselves to the second death, which is eternal separation from God-may this not come to pass

Elder Ephraim of the Holy Mountain

Family photo Opp...

2009-01-14T13:29:00.001-08:00

During break we were blessed by my father-in-law the opportunity to have professional pictures taken. This was a wonderfully relaxed day since he gave us this photo session as a gift and it was gratefully received for many reasons: 1) professional photos are expensive 2) who can ever get a family of six all together in a relaxed atmosphere? and 3) they were taken with "us" in mind where we were not treated as the "next customer".

So thank you Tom, thank you for these treasured moments!

Hannah is 10!

2009-01-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

She is full of passion, resiliency, spunk, ambition and incredibly organized! Her daddy wonders what he'd do without her...and I feel the same. Yesterday Hannah Elizabeth turned 10. We ventured into the city with her favorite cousin, Gabrielle, who came to stay with us. We ate at The Hard Rock Cafe and enjoyed The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. She is still flying on cloud 9, or in her case...cloud 10!

May God grant you many-many years, our dear wonderful-in-a-blink-of-an-eye-too-grown-up-daughter!

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

2008-12-25T20:06:00.001-08:00

Christmas Eve

Holy Supper

Luke makes ready with our dear friend, Fr. Christopher

May you all have a very Merry Christmas and New Year. We are headed home for the next 10 days...so I'll catch up when we return.

"Today the Virgin comes to the cave to give birth to the Word in a manner that defies description..."

Handel's Messiah

2008-12-20T05:54:00.001-08:00

In a beautiful, although insanely buzzing, wintery city accompanied by my husband and our dearest friend, Monk Christopher, we ventured into slushy Manhattan, to attend the New York Philharmonic presentation of Handel's Messiah held at the Lincoln Center.

After trying desperately to hale a cab from the Grand Central Station area, we decided to weave in and around the crowded-wet streets toward our destination. This lasted about 6 blocks and Thank God we were able to hale a cab. We almost hopped into an unmarked cab that wanted $25.00 to the Lincoln Center...needless to say, a rip off for the desperate dodging the snowy wet rain. We made it, in spite of, directional disagreements among hubby and me, the trek through the puddled streets, and the white-knuckled cab ride, all with time to spare.

While absorbing breathtaking music and charismatic conducting I was delighted in the whimsical-intoxicating atmosphere where warmth and peaceful comfort filled my soul from the joy of Good company!

I love Handel's Messiah with each Libretto broken into three parts: Jesus Christ's Birth, His Death and Resurrection http://gfhandel.org/messiahlibretto.htm

Only 5 more days until Christmas and I have yet to bake. The snow has fallen, so for now, the kids beckon for hot chocolate...

Amahl and the Night Visitors

2008-12-14T21:07:00.000-08:00

My two girls and I, along with other families from the seminary, saw a local production of Amahl and the Night Visitors at Purchase University, NY on Friday evening.
A very grand performance of an Opera written by G.C. Menotti primarily geared toward children to encourage the love of the opera. Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of only an hour long performance on a simple stage about a heart-warming tale of a crippled boy, his widowed mother and three night visitors needing a rest inside the families poor home before the three continue to follow their bright star.
http://www.usopera.com/operas/amahl.html

I believe we have found a more edifying Christmas tradition. The message of the Christ child outshines the decision process to choose what is appropriate and what is not -- especially during the Advent Fast.

some Christmas cheer in NYC...

2008-12-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

Rockefeller Center through the Christmas lights

In Bryant Park, Manhattan...

The Famous Rockefeller Tree

Candle lights inside St. Patrick's Cathedral

Restored Gifts

2008-12-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

Something happened, unforeseen, emerging from the reserve of my heart for continued healing. HE is a God that gives back what was lost or what was taken. I think of Job when all was taken from him, yet, in Job's steadfast love in long-suffering for God, all was, indeed, restored back to him TEN fold!

After posting Hannah's story about her father -- this wonderful-co-struggler blessed to call husband, I sat at the computer this morning, viewing the comments from Hannah's story and started to cry ...(no surprise there)
Feelings of mixed emotions filled my heart along with flooded memories --mingled with joy, peace, and saddness. Could that be? Should pain mix with joy only to be like Good medicine for your soul? Tears are cleansing...truly welcoming when upon you.

You see, at my sweet-daughter's age of 9, my father and mother were already divorced. An ugly, dragged out divorce where my two brothers, sister and I were pulled into the middle. Many-many seasons have passed bringing me back to dead-winter memories where "the years that locusts have eaten".

In trusting God, by allowing His Holy will to enter in -- to taste and see that the Lord is Good, I am comforted that Restoration is for all, given to us in a new born Child... "For God so Loved the World that He sent His ONLY begotten Son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall not parish but have everlasting life." HE is Wonderful, Counselor, the All-Mighty God, the Prince of Peace, the ever-lasting Father...

Please do not think me in despair. For, I am not, by God's grace, have found peace and joy during the seasons of life where in this Blessed gift of Family, which has been returned to an unworthy Handmaiden of God -- Ten fold! May the Lord have His continued Mercies on us all.

I am experiencing true Joy that my children have a father who loves so much to discipline them, provide, hug, laugh, and cry with. There is also experiences of bitter-sweetness, that each day is a God-given opportunity to Restore what was lost.

" O Lord, grant me to meet
the coming day in peace.
Help me in all things to rely upon Your holy will.
In every hour of the day reveal Your will to
me. Bless my dealings with all who
surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout
the day with peace of soul, and with firm conviction
that Your will governs all. In all my deeds and
words guide my thoughts and
feelings. In unforeseen events let me not
forget that all are sent by You.
Teach my to act firmly and wisely,
without embittering and embarrassing
others. Give me strength to bear
the fatigue of the coming day with all that
it shall bring. Direct my
will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me.
Amen"
by Metropolitian Philaret

the gift of sharing...

2008-12-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

I know this isn't exactly "Christmas traditions" but I (and dad's humbled tears) found Hannah's recent story so precious. Therefore, deemed share worthy for the rest of you...indeed within the true spirit of love that shone forth in a cave.

...Holy Father Nicholas...

2008-12-08T14:43:00.000-08:00

Traditions

2008-12-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

Throughout Advent and into Nativity, I will share photo-pieces of our family's preparations; while humbly manifesting customs of the Orthodox Faith, in addition to, some family togetherness.

2008-12-05T15:57:00.000-08:00

Advent -- A Light to those who sit in darkness and the
shadow of death...

His Beatitude, Metropolitan Jonah
December 3,
2008

Beloved in Christ,
Christ is in our midst!

As we prepare for the celebration of the First Coming in the
Flesh of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, we must fast and pray, and especially
give alms, to be able to enter into the joy and grace of the Feast. By prayer
and fasting, we empty ourselves of the chaos of our passions and the
distractions of the world, so that we might have peace in our souls and silence
in our hearts. By this, we identify ourselves with the silence and peace of the
Mother of God, who accepted the Divine Presence within her self, so that the
Word might become flesh and dwell among us. Let us also let the Word become
incarnate in our hearts and souls and bodies, our thoughts and actions, that we
might become instruments of His Will, being recreated in Christ for good
works.

We give alms as a way of overcoming our selfishness, of
detaching ourselves from grasping for possessions and money, so that the
generosity of God who gave His Son for us may shine forth from us. We give alms
to those in need, as a way of honoring Christ, who identified Himself with the
poor, the suffering, the persecuted and the oppressed. Whoever is poor, whoever
is suffering, whoever is rejected and oppressed, is Christ; let us minister to
Him in them. Let us open our minds and hearts, our homes and our wallets, to
those suffering from loneliness and despair, those who have lost their jobs and
fear to lose their dignity, the orphans and widows-the fatherless and divorced,
elderly, abandoned and alone. It is good to write checks to organizations. But
the spiritual riches come from consoling Christ by serving those in need,
personally, with warm affection.

Ours is a time of great uncertainty, fear and war. The
economy is teetering, unemployment is mushrooming. Tens of thousands of our
children, brothers and sisters are in peril at war in distant lands. Of those
who have returned, how many are broken and in despair, not knowing where to turn
from the unending nightmares in their memories and their minds. We must
especially reach out to them and their families, Orthodox or not, to comfort and
console and give them our help, as individuals and as Christian
communities.

The Coming of Christ is a message of hope, the banishment of
despair. True spiritual striving is the means by which we cast out the works and
thoughts of darkness, and let the Holy Spirit heal and console our souls. Let us
cleanse our souls through confession, accepting Christ's forgiveness, forgiving
everyone who has offended or hurt us, and forgiving ourselves. By repentance we
must cast out all resentments and anger, bitterness and self-loathing,
selfishness and carnality, self-serving desires for revenge and retribution, all
that entombs us in guilt.

Then with a pure mind and a broken heart enkindled by love,
overflowing with compassion for those suffering and in need, we might give birth
to Christ in our lives, that we might behold His Glory, the Glory of the
Only-begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.

Wishing you joy and peace, as we prepare together to receive
Christ Come in the Flesh, in the Holy Mysteries, in prayer, and in the service
of the needy, I remain faithfully yours,

With love in Christ,
+ Jonah

Archbishop of Washington and New York

Metropolitan of All America and Canada

Into your Hands, O Lord...

2008-11-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

Check out Ancient Faith Radio...May our Lord have mercy and may we do our part in prayer, love and forgiveness -- let us work together for the vineyard of the Lord!
Especially listen to +JONAH's message to the council...INCREDIBLE!!

http://ancientfaith.com/specials/oca15aac

http://www.oca.org/15aac

endurance

2008-11-05T05:17:00.000-08:00

Recently, I started working out, again, from a very long sabbatical. Many contributing factors to my long-vacation from the land of heart pumping sweat-ness which I owe to my children, husband, myself and the fact that my body is a ridiculous blob of laziness.

Why tell you this? I am weak, unmotivated, and discouraged easily in need of motivation, encouragement, and dare I say, praise.

Much like my role as wife, mom, teaching the children, being a good friend, etc...I am weak in all the stated areas and need all sorts of affirmation. Needy, geesh!

My expectations of were we SHOULD be in the schooling department is, well...a slow go. My begrudging motivation to attend an extra Vespers during the week is all wrong since all I can think about is "what others may think" if I do not attend. Now that we are here, I feel stretched, even more so, to preserve the friendships back home while developing new ones. Forgive me, my dear friends.

I lose site of true meaning around me. While, admittedly, slipping away into the land of wasteful thinking on tomorrow and not living in today. Dreamily, wishing for quick results, with the workouts, friendships, the children's progress, marital bliss, and my daily spiritual life.

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-5

May we all endure, for Jesus Christ, our Lord and King, to race not sprint until we fully enter the age to come while laying aside all earthly cares.

"Let us who mystically represent the Cherubim and who sing the thrice-holy hymn to the life-creating Trinity, now lay aside all earthly cares, that we may receive the King of All,who comes invisibly unborne by the angelic host! Allelluia, allelluia, alleluia"

for my dear friend...

2008-10-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks Lenore for a great weekend away!

I'm singing Chris Trapper, thinking of Gorilla boy, realizing that the world can actually survive without "Pop-art"; and you'll find this hard to believe: insanely craving Maki rolls! My prayers and thoughts are with you, the girls, the boy, and Chris (I think I may start to call him "Phil"...think about it).

Love you and miss you tons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Expectations...

2008-10-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Counting the days, 1 day more, till I hop on a plane to visit "home". My plan is to be with my dearest friend "L" and her sweet family, grab lunch with girlfriends and enjoy a long-over-due dinner-movie night with my mom and hopefully sister.

However, I leave in sadness, as I had hoped to visit, my friend, Stefani, who had taken ill in July...she passed Sunday evening from earth to eternity. Unfortunately, I will miss the viewing and funeral since it is Wednesday. I miss her -- graced with her beautiful smile. May the memory of Stefani be eternal...

Expectations in life can be disappointing rolled together with blessings birthed each day. So, here I am, wanting to let these expectations go -- daring to continue to dream, hope and plan...trusting God completely without wanting anything in return, well, except for deep meaningful friendships, love for my neighbor, patience with my children and their's with me, and unconditional love for my husband...I dare not continue.

"Hon, I need to go home, by myself" I meekly wait for his response. "Sure, find a time and I'll make it work" Even in the midst of his studies, he is willing to let his expectations go for my well-being. So that I may re-connect with friends and mom. No questions asked just..."Sure..." I am grateful for his love...

Here I am, once again, finding myself surrounded by loving moms who, on top of their own busy lives and children, are willing to "chip-in" so that I am able to go away...no questions asked...I am grateful for their new-found friendships and take comfort in it's strength.

My expectations are to face each day as the Lord God made it...new every morning. Grateful that God can and will fill my heart to the fullest, according to His plan -- His expectations for me, the handmaiden of God, Kelleylynn...may I be worthy to deserve such treasures!

There's something about Mary...Kate

2008-10-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

Today is Mary Kate's 6th Birthday and over the weekend we had visitors: Grammie and Uncle Todd, her God-father. Needless to say, MK was spoiled - spoiled with much attention that the 3rd so desperately needs. We ventured into the city to the American Girl Doll Store, went to the Top of the Rockefeller Center and ate lunch out. IT was all grand kissed by a perfectly- sunny- warm- autumn- day!

She is our naturalist loving creepy crawly bugs (her favorite: the lady bug) to the flying bird. MK sings with all her heart and soul...this being one of her favorite songs that you are listening to. She reminds us, each day in her prayers, that the needy are among us and remains incredibly joyful! I wonder where she came from since the joyful part and the singing do not come from me. She reminds us of my sister-in-law, her Aunt Karla, who finds Joy with her voice in each new day.

In the city, tables were set up around to collect donations for the needy. MK noticed this right away and had to give some money. "Mom, is that money going to feed the poor people?", she asked. "Yes, that is why they are out here, sweetie," quickly is my answer as we hesitantly yet in haste cross the busy NY street. "Then that was a really good thing we did, mom, since we are spending money on us", she gleefully remarks.

She is my sunshine on a rainy day, my laughter when I cannot locate mine, my reminder to love all with no expectations.

Today we celebrate her life -- Mary Katherine is a treasure, indeed!

Thoughts

2008-10-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

A friend here, seminarian wife and mother of two, also CPA had this to say on the recent events on our financial crisis:

"Thoughts on the proposed gov't bailout and the "financial crisis"

"Can we Americans learn to bear the consequences of
our poor decisions? Everyone should have to take an introductory finance class
in school, I think, where they would learn that debt is not inherently evil, but
too much leveraging results in an inability to meet present cash commitments,
let alone future commitments (the commitments to repay all that debt some day)!
Why can't we - and by "we" I mean businesses as well as individuals - be more
temperate and honest in our consumption? Is it right that we (meaning
individuals) should live beyond our means, and businesses should grow beyond
their means, and then expect the government to make our debts disappear when the
debtload threatens to bury us? The government is in debt too - up to its
eyeballs! America - its people, businesses, and government - has been hurtling
toward financial crisis for some time. It has been only a question of when that
crisis would hit.It seems to me that we should not, and possibly cannot, be
"bailed out." (Even if it were a morally acceptable idea, it probably would not
work - the government tried to bail out businesses and individuals during the
Great Depression, and its efforts largely failed.) What we need is a new moral
paradigm, one that is sustainable. We all should become "conservatives,"
conserving all that is wholesome and good and truly fulfilling. Getting rich and
consuming everything in sight is not fulfilling - it is numbing at best, masking
our deeper discontents. And we should not only conserve for the sake of the
economy or for the environment or for our children's quality of life, but
conserve because we understand that modesty, charity, and moderation are truly
sustainable moral attributes, while self-gratification and pride are not. The
crisis is not in the markets - it is in our hearts.I am not sure why I felt I
needed to post these comments. I cannot even say for sure that I am right.
Tonight I just feel frustrated with our tendency to focus so closely on
temporary crises (this too shall pass) while all the while we are neglecting the
crisis of losing our humanity. But maybe I should stop writing and focus on my
own crises. Lord have mercy. "

All things...

2008-10-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

"So while the creations of man, when God is not working with him, are subject to time and orientated towards corruption, God's creations are orientated towards life and eternity" (taken from Man and the Environment: A Study of St. Symeon the New Theologian by Anestis G. Keselopoulos)

In reading this, an epiphany sparks, realizing why we are created; it is for complete union with all creation...small birds, fish, to the largest beast, and assuredly all mankind.

We, since Adam and Eve, have annihilated ourselves with our sin, our created-ness from The Creator. However, we are still God's creation held together by the life giving power of the Holy Spirit.

May we all make a metanoia and face Paradise. Lord have mercy, as we turn around, with boldness towards He who is uncreated.

wanted to share...

2008-09-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

"How beautiful you are, Earth, and how sublime! How perfect is your obedience to the light, and how noble is your submission to the sun!"

"How generous you are, Earth, and how strong is your yearning for your children lost between that which they have attained and that which they could not obtain. We clamor and you smile, we flit but you stay!"

"Are you a seed dropped in the field of the firmament to become God's tree reaching above the heavens with its celestial branches?

Or are you a drop of blood in the veins of the giants of giants, or a bead of sweat upon his brow?"

Are you a fruit ripened by the sun? Do you grow from the tree of Absolute Knowledge, whose roots extend through Eternity, and whose branches soar through the Infinite?"

taken from Earth by Kahlil Gibran

Be still

2008-09-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

I follow a wonderful blog where this gifted mom of four, Molly (Close to Home -- check it out on my "wall of fame") blesses all her readers with a God-given talent of writing, and most recently photography, in the humblest manner with uncanny accuracy to empathize while exposing herself in beautiful transparent honesty.

Her latest entry, Aflame, struck me...hard. Particularly this section:

"I saw my own distracted soul, so easily put out by the mundane-ness of my chores, by children being children, and by the intensity of life I was created to live but so often water down because it's hard, good gracious is it hard, to deny yourself."

I've been preoccupied lately with "being" as I labor to deny myself to the will of God. Each time I *think* I am taking the right steps toward this state, I am hammered down to the ground. You know, like the wacky woodchuck game at the amusement park. "WHACK!"

I am distracted so easily for the exact same reasons Molly articulated.

Too often, I like to hear myself speak, bark orders, receive compliments on a delicious meal made for the family, for the way I keep house all tip-top. Mary Poppins would be so proud of me! Again, the same issue arises...I am not seeking what is needful. I am, too often, someplace else figuring out a way to dodge any future chaos, that ultimately springs up, so that I am prepared to chase it away with my orderly-ness. Ironically, this makes me distracted and unmanageable to be around. The pendulum swings...

I have a fancy for the Thesaurus. Finding different words to define my thoughts in many faceted ways captivates me...I am weird, peculiar, odd, I guess -- I suppose.

Upon looking up "Being" I am aware that I am made for "Actuality, Existence, Existing, Living, LIFE" where the opposite is "Nonexistence, expiration, Death"

"I must decrease so that He may increase"

Lovingly, we are encouraged to "Be still and know that I AM God..."

Celebrating Luke!

2008-09-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

He is the cutest most mischievous little monkey you could have ever dreamed up...our Luke! He is 4 today and happy, happy, happy!

Traditionally, we had all the birthday parties at the big-old home, so many wonderful memory-filled birthday parties between our four. However, this year, with bitter- sweetness, being far away from family and friends, we went to a quiet, yet, fun-filled restaurant "just for Luke".

And this year he has a first-time friend, a dear little boy that we brought along as our guest. This was a relaxing dinner, no rush, no planning...where Luke was the happiest!

So, in his happiness I find mine as well...

Many, Many years to you dear Luke Joseph!

Remembering 9/11

2008-09-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

On top of the Rockefeller Center Observatory 9/11/08

Visiting the top of Rockefeller Center was breathtaking!

As we meandered around the top deck (70 floors up) observatory, we froze in awe at the site you see. I observed a women, all alone, in tears and I, too, began to cry.

We were drawn into the city this evening... remembering the tragedy and that FDR was here 7 years ago. He helped during the aftermath with the IOCC (International Orthodox Christian Charities) in bereavement counseling. FDR remembers more than I can imagine of the enormous catastrophic size of 9/11. He remembers each person he spoke to and the emotions racked with pain and then, peace. A peace that came from a city pulling together -- united to get through this...and they are...year by year.

Memory Eternal!

while reading...

2008-09-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, while reading "Royal Monastic - Princess Ileana of Romania", I came across this and wanted to share; feeling that it is befitting for me (for all of us):

"She should finish and leave - there's so much to be done, but something holds her in place, and she shifts her gaze to the icon of the Lord Himself - His eyes as compassionate and sorrowful as always.

As she stands, she feels a pressure around her - not physical, exactly, but what it is she can't say. It holds her gently in place, saying the things she cannot say for herself.

As she gazes at the icon of the Lord, she realizes that this is the Church - the prayers of the faithful, of the monastics who stand for hours and days before their icons. They are saying for her the words she cannot think, expressing the feelings she cannot feel, keeping her standing, keeping her heart open, empty and waiting. She nods, not content, exactly, and not feeling anything more than she has since the night her family left Romania, but not ready yet to leave the corner and God's and the Church's embrace. If she cannot pray, then she will let the Church pray for her, until the words come back."

I do not compare my previous trivial struggles to Mother Alexandra's where she had to cater to the Nazi communist takeover in her beloved home, to only be exiled with her family (6 children in tow) into an unfamiliar land. Even more so, that she faced many cruelties by her brother, who turned on her out of jealousy and pride. While he ruled as King, he thought it best for her to leave Romania because of "political reasons" and then she was not allowed to enter back into Romania to be with her most beloved mother upon her deathbed or even a year later for her memorial.

The list of Mother's struggles are endless where in this beautifully written book by Bev. Cooke pulls you right into the Princess's life, as if you are right beside her the whole time. During her life, she remained a beacon of strength and courage in the darkest of days. Her love for all mankind was enormous risking her own life along with her family's, yet she continued, she endured through her pain both physically and spiritually, by holding onto the prayers of the Church and her love for (her)Romania.

The Holy Orthodox Monastery of the Transfiguration, which she founded, has become one of our favorite places to take refuge from the business of life. This peace is found within the beautiful grounds, the quaint guest house (where she actually rested her own head), the breathtaking chapel adorned with glorious icons, and especially with Mother Christophora and the whole sisterhood, they are our dearest of friends. It is a blessing, indeed!

Princess Ileana is among us...Holy Mother Alexandra pray unto God for us!

All is well

2008-09-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

Each day we awake to someone else ill, having a bad day, including the days that are used up for grounded punishments. This is our life, at the moment, and I find myself irritated with fading joy to continue at this pace. The pace is not fast, it's actually more like taking 2 steps forward and 6 back. The reason you don't see photos of the apartment yet is because it DID look good, for about a week until after Luke vomited all over the ottoman and carpet...well, I am still cleaning this up.

In spite of small set backs, we are blessed. Blessed with new friends on campus willing to be with the other children as I nurse myself and now Luke. Blessed that these new friends are always available to lend an ear during our family's transitioning. Blessed with one particular seminarian who, when he found out Luke was sick, came over with an icon of St. Luke. Blessed that Luke, and I quote: "I have a bestest buddy and his name is Isaak, or Cracker or batman". Blessed that in between studying for Greek my husband took the baton of care taking so that I could enjoy the first Ladies gathering on campus. We went on a scavenger hunt and found new places along with realizing that I am actually comfortable in driving around this much congested area. Blessed with our faithful friends back "home". Blessed to celebrate the Feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos, even though we napped, and ate leftovers...it was relaxing.

It seems that this new life has simultaneously birthed and rebirthed new with old emotions, feelings, sense of loss, uncertainty mixed in with letting go of the old to put on the new. It is not easy to shed these layers, actually it is quite painful some days. However, the result, I believe, is freeing while I forgive, fall down, get back up again, to only forgive, fall down and get back up again...my personal Podvig or Ascesis. Growing my Hind Feet toward the High Place.

Honestly, there shouldn't be any complaints coming from me. Life is good...when you continue to place God in the forefront. But you see, I haven't, even here in seminary life where one can attend church everyday. My daily prayers have vanished and I sit, or rather fidget, wondering "Why in the world are my days so frustrating?"

Life without struggle is no life at all...for in these struggles we discover ourselves -- we discover that our Heavenly Father has not abandoned us but that we have abandoned Him for our own agendas, our own will and not His.

May I continue to remain joyful, peaceful, grateful while placing my life, entirely in the Lord Jesus Christ -- the Lover of all mankind, the Son of God and the Holy Spirit.

Requesting your prayers and as I pick myself back up, you will be in mine.

All is well...God is so Good!

beautiful boy

2008-08-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

I promised myself that I would rarely revisit this moment in our lives. That I would place the pain, carefully, unto a far unreachable shelf. However, my caring and lovable sister called me after the morning news and then sister-in-law, who sent me the link below, brought me back...back to where I am reminded that we brushed death with our oldest, Colin. I am grateful for our son, and I may not tell him this everyday, but I am sure glad to have been able to "keep" him, at least for a little longer.

I am reminded, most especially today, to enjoy him. We are hard on Colin, being the eldest, where I forget that we could have lost him to this rare, terrible, ugly thing called retinoblastoma. We realized, then, that God is in EVERYTHING and felt much like Abraham to Isaak (this is Colin's middle name) knowing that this precious child is not ours to begin with and that he truly belongs, while given to us as a gift, to our Heavenly Father.

One of the nuns at a monastery we love to visit in Ellwood City, PA. once told us "Never feel sorry for your children, love them, correct them in this love. Do not pity or make an easy way out for them. Let God take care of this in their lives."

I have continually reminded myself of this very thing whenever I want to explain my children's short-comings, their in-appropriate behaviors, and whenever I look at Colin and remember the most beautiful feature upon birth: his big blue eyes.

Colin now wears a prosthetic eye, since we had no choice 9 years ago but remove what was all ready lost. The cancer was too large and needed immediate removal. He did not need chemotherapy since the removal was the cure. However, he did need to undergo EUA's (Exams Under Anesthesia) for several years after. The rest of the children needed office exams twice a year till 4 years old. We are past all this protocol and relieved.

Colin Isaak, in spite of monocular vision, hits a ball like no other and nothing stops him from being the typical 11 year old boy...

We love you so much...beautiful boy, Darling Colin!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26437081/?GT=43001

link to a.m. news story

Making the transition...

2008-08-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... I need to update our move before I lose the few faithful that visit. Thanks for your patience and prayers.

Well, there are still half opened scattered boxes in each room. The photo above is from moving in day 2 weeks ago. Hey, I never claimed to be the uber-super unpacking mom. It is harder to focus on what and where everything should go now that the kids are back with us. Not that that is a horrible thing; I just simply find it difficult to remain focused on a project. I can't imagine why?

Community living is an adjustment for this "ex-home owner" and I guarantee it will offer many high points, as well as, the moments to keep the apartment door locked with the "Do not Disturb, please" sign dangling from the door knob.

The families and couples (haven't met the single seminarians yet - not here till next week) are encouraging in their frankness of seminary life and graciously offer advice, guidance, rides to IKEA, Target, mapping out Trader Joe's directions, local farmer's market and many play-mates for the children. As a matter of fact, I think one day I had 10 very energetic girls stuffed into Hannah's and MK's room. Luke has a friend that he is obsessed with and literally demands to spend every waking moment with him.

Each Thursday, at least for the summer months, is a shared potluck -- need I say more? Alleluia! One semi-thinking brain cell rescued from oblivion land of "what to make and then clean up" for dinner. The fellowship shared is a wonderful time.

I miss my chute...

The dreaded laundry dilemma, which is probably one of the biggest concerns to many moms, is a shared room, just outside our door. Thank God for small graces. Wait! it gets better -- it is coin operated! Sadly, we figured doing 2 loads a day, like I did in the previous residence, 5 days a week, will more than pay for a "BMW" style washer & dryer in the next 3 years. Me thinks we need to start wearing one outfit per week or none at all. No, that won't go over well. Try telling this to fashion diva, a.k.a. Hannah. Yeah right and Mr. C & Luke will never ever roll, jump, or run in the mud, including MK who delights in her insect finding and dirt baking skills. Her speciality in, but of course, worm-pies.

On a good note: the apartment is nice with a spacious patio overlooking a quaint lake full of ducks, swans, frogs, and peaceful late summer night-time sounds of the crickets. We lived on a busy street in Niagara Falls and this is a bonus to our transition. We no longer hear nor feel the vibration of car stereos...what a relief.

We walk to church, to get the mail, and to throw out the trash (Colin's job). I can even order my groceries on-line -- how cool is that? So, we save on gas and I at least hope that this will contribute to shedding some unwanted pounds, for most of the walking requires one to walk uphill.

May God give me (us) continued strength in transitioning, as we learn, grow, forgive, and love as Christ first loved us.

We made it...

2008-08-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

well, we moved in...still have 3 years to go...Glory to God!
Campus is beautiful and the neighborhood is charming. NYC is overwhelming, yet loads of fun! So much to explore and take in.

Each seminarian family to the youngest couple have been a blessing and bring so much diversity and knowledge of the Faith. One would find it impossible to not connect and delve into community living.

I have little time even as I write but wanted to touch base. We are headed "home" this weekend after we pick up Colin and Hannah at the Antiochian Village. We have been so busy settling in that we hardly had time to absorb it all...I feel like I am in a dream. Everything has happened so swiftly. Although, I sobbed the entire way down last week Thursday...it was hard driving away from the house and the memories of friends and family lingering inside.

This is our new home: Lakeside 1 located at the top of the hill in the farthest corner on campus. We have a bottom spacious and private 3 bedroom apartment with a pleasant view of a lake while listening to the crickets, bullfrogs, ducks, swans and visiting bunny rabbits. It really is quit cozy...I have grown fondly accustomed to these sounds in the past week as we make this our new home for the next 3 years.
More photos to come when I have some extra time...please be patient with me and remember us in your God-pleasing prayers. Know that you all remain in ours!

Letting go...4

2008-07-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

of the numerous posing sessions under the Japanese Cherry tree (it is the prettiest in early May just before FDR's Birthday)

of Uncle Kenny insisting on holding a sleepy Hannah during the Rush service

of Mary Kate's bright smile in our brightest of rooms...

of my gardens...

of backyard summer-corn-husking.

Letting go...3

2008-07-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

of Mr. Cardinal in the late afternoon for feeding time

of M.K and her Godmother, Colline, singing in the choir each week

of Colin serving with Todd always close by...

of Luke receiving love while the chants of the Divine Liturgy are sung by Kevin John

Letting go...2

2008-07-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

of the many family gatherings in the beautiful-spacious Dining room...
My sister Kim & I stripped wall paper and painted this room in a weekend -- she is a whirlwind. I'll miss those projects with her...

of snowmen-merry-making in the back yard...

of our Bella. Thanks a million TJM & KJB! We'll get to see her when we visit Niagara Falls.

Letting go...1

2008-07-27T21:21:00.000-07:00

I will post several photos till Moving Day...
"A picture says a thousand words" as where I am finding it difficult to narrate the gamut of emotions we are all facing.

Bad day...

2008-07-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

Still in a daze, my day was, how to say it...CRAZY! with one event leading to another.

I need to write it down as this day could be a scene from a movie or better yet in a "Callghan take me away" commercial with me as the typical type casted frazzled mom of 4!

10:25a.m - Running late to get child #1 off to a very exciting event where he with other children from Camp Good Days & Special Times will play hockey with a Buffalo Sabre. Why late: downloading picture off Internet for Mr.C to have a signed memorabilia.

10:45a.m - No time for breakfast because of reason #1. So, crazily drove through the local Dunkin Donuts for bagels and juice to only realize, when time to pay, that my credit card is not in my well organized wallet -- my mom used it the day before to fill up #2 vehicle and left it on the kitchen counter, where I did not enter this morning because check reason #1.

Needless to say, customer service at the drive-thru window was next to rudeness while she snorted in a scrunched up face "Well, what am I going to do with this huge order?!" "I can come back...", I say sheepishly. "CANCEL all those bagels!", she yelled to the bagel maker. As she turned to face me, she closed the drive-in window...I drove off frustrated and exceedingly hungry.

Racing back to fetch the forgotten credit card for I also needed to put gas in the van, since dear husband drove the night before and left it on "E".

10:55a.m - Ranting in heart pounding "we are going to be late" all the way (40 minute drive) and needing to be there by 11:30 -- "not gonna back it..."

11:28a.m. - Took the wrong exit because after all, I am too weak with hunger...

11:36a.m. - Arrived at Camp Good Days to a swarm of children and parents waiting in a line extending outside into the steamy just rained on parking lot. "Dang it - I can't just leave you here waiting like this"

I was impatient because I also need to meet hubby downtown Buffalo (back the other way 30 minutes) to sign closing papers at noon..."not gonna make it"

Having no cell phone, no cash added with my stomach producing angry sounds...I asked to borrow a phone to call FDR at work. He said that he would try to change the appt. to 1:00p.m. Freaking out inside, I faked a calm response "I'll try to get there..."

In the mean time, my other 3 not-so-well behaved and hungry children were impatiently waiting in the steamy van parked on the even steamier parking lot...

12:06p.m. - Filled tank up and went to McDonald's. We don't normally eat at McDonald's but this was an emergency and tasted....delicious!

12:11p.m. - From the far back of the van, child #4 is whining "I feel sick". I ask Hannah to step back there to help him and crank the A/C since it was becoming a hot sticky day.

Luke, who is not eating his chicken nuggets, starts to vomit into his happy meal bag while holding tightly to his new Transformer toy, yelling in between episodes"Watch my toy - not on my toy!" Hannah, at this moment, is not thrilled while hollering the obvious "He's puking!!!!!!!!!!"

Why not pull over? I cannot pull over because I am now on the Downtown Expressway (33) with no shoulder. Most dangerous place to drive or get into an accident...there are tall cemented walls to neighboring houses around you and traffic is NUTS!

12:35p.m. - Frantically arrive at Police Headquarters to pickup FDR...telling him about my stressful mid-morning commute.

12:40p.m. - While opening and stepping out of the car into the busy lunch time streets of downtown Buffalo, I managed to open our car door too wide and "WHACK!" I take off a passersby side view mirror.

As she pulls over, my husband the Accident Investigator, takes charge...I stood by helplessly with tears welling up in my eyes.

Turns out she was OK, thank God, and was not worried about the damage to her side mirror. The mirror actually shattered inside her car as her window was open. "Listen" she kindly stated while noticing that I was crying, "there are some things in life to be upset about, this is not one of them".

12:48p.m. - Without much of a thought and within 10 minutes, we sign the papers to close on our beloved house...

1:00p.m. - Take hubby back to headquarters -- got some cash and grabbed the cell phone from him. Headed back to pickup Colin, 30 minutes away, hoping that I had enough time to stop for a quick errand. I was beginning the start of a serious headache.

1:30p.m - "I feel sick" whines Luke again...and before I could pull over to find something...as a spectator through the rear view mirror, chocolate milk and french fries are the enormous mess I witness protruding from the boy.

Take note: this is our brand new van now christened with the undigested remains of Luke's lunch.

I pull over while Hannah, once again, hollers the obvious "Oh NO!! Lukey's puking AGAIN!!!!!!" I'm frazzled not knowing where to start this unpleasant task while grabbing what materials I had on hand (a few baby wipes and some used napkins) the remains going into unreachable crevices in the seats.

2:34p.m - Arrive at my mother-in-laws to clean the rest of the grossness as the children obviously unaware of my horrible day run off to play...

3:00p.m. - In weeping exhaustion, I collapse on my mother-in-laws couch

4:15p.m - Hubby comes to the rescue...he takes the whole family out for burgers and a bouncy, now healthy Luke, assuredly experienced car sickness, is requesting triumphantly "I feel better...I want ICE CREAM!"

Aware that these chain of events, in the grand scope of life, are essentially minor compared to others and realizing that this day could have fared worse; I'd be liar to say that none of this did not effect me...bodily and mentally.

In between episodes calling FDR, who remains calm, cool and always collected (must be a cop thing), reassures while encouraging me to "Give it to God, Kel, He will give you the strength and the endurance to keep going" I had no other choice -- couldn't ignore the wafting odor from the back seat or the chaos of this glorious day...

"I can do all things through Jesus Christ, who strengthens me"

even clean up...well, do I have to say it anymore?! Although, I did take the first opportunity to "crash"...now, tell me, dear FDR do you think I can get a massage? Just a thought...

Be ye Perfect...

2008-07-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to sense mood swings. Not only in myself but with the entire family. On most occasions we fair very well in getting along. But, as of lately, we all seem to dislike each other very much.

I am annoyed at all sounds coming from the children. It could be laughter which undoubtedly will turn into obnoxious behavior, where someone gets hurt, whether it is their feelings or a physical torment.

In packing & hearing such noise - noise -noise, I cannot hone in on normal functional thinking in that my feeble brain can't clear a thought as to how I am suppose to place the item I am wrapping neatly away into the box! "Now what did I just pack?" "Where is that packing tape, again?" "Luke, gimme that (permanent black) marker!" "Aw, come on guys, you'll get everything back in a few weeks"

As for FDR, well...we have fewer moments of meaningful conversation and more unreasonable conversations. That and the fact that his packing skills are left to be desired next to my perfect orderly system. "No, honey! your baseball cards shouldn't go in the box with your National Geographics - they belong, clearly, in the box labeled, no brainer here: BASEBALL CARDS (Store). I tend to point that out and well, we get along, perfectly! I miss my (im)perfect husband's conversations - other than the move.

Preoccupied, with my packing perfectionism, I'm stuck in a muddled state when it comes to getting dressed, doing laundry, cooking & also in remembering to eat, exercise - at least a short walk, allotting down-time with the children, or start the kids 4th quarterly report (due last month!), submit my letter of intent to home school, order more books for schooling, pack Colin and Hannah for 2 weeks of camp to the Antiochian Village -- at least they get a break out of this ginormous move.

"Not fair!" I want to shout or am I the one not being fair? No, I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Now, that's not being perfect, is it?

I'm failing to mention, too ashamed to mention is that I'm not praying either. To remain grateful in all things, even during the obnoxious noise and in my dear husband's packing style. I cease to give God a mere thought because, after all, I have too much to do and my way of getting it done. I am miserable and miserable to those I love the most.

Believe me "if you could be a fly on the wall" just ask the children, for I quote the 11 year old, "Mommy, you're super mean and you don't have to be". Okay, that was perfectly painful, it may even leave a mark! Nevertheless, Colin is right, out of line, yes, but correct in the judgement of my appalling behavior.

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"

Crying for mercy, I realize that mercy is before me all the time in the form of wonderful friends, a terrific husband, and my mother; who are there for me even when I have not asked.

"Uncle Todd" drops by and takes my older two out to lunch. The next day, he courageously takes all 4 to the local pool. Needless to say, he was exhausted and I thank him for stepping out of his comfort zone.

My treasured friend, L, during our many "mommy-only" dinners and wine sipping, helps me wrap my finite mind around this HUGE change. Our conversations are endless and I love her, her beautiful family (that includes C too), for her straight-forwardness, her empathy in all aspects of my life perfectly blended with tearful laughter.

My husband's ideal timing in his humor and patience when I need to seriously lighten up!

My mom, even though we tend to have many differences for we are both extremely strong-willed; she is always available to watch the children for the countless errands, weddings, dinners but most importantly, when I need to sleep-in.

Let me not forget the children: They continue to impress me with their resignation and adaption to a change they themselves cannot fathom. With bitter-sweet anticipation they oblige in obeying us. Actually, they have larger issues when it comes to who has the bigger piece of cake than packing up all their belongings...I am grateful with their perseverance.

Thank you Lord for your Divine mercies, in-spite of my numberless transgressions, may I abide in your Perfect Love.

Swap Goodies!

2008-07-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

I received my package a few days ago...thanks Coleen -- it's lovely. I, too, would love to visit Italy and sip all sorts of wine.

Your package went into the mail today. Please forgive me for sending it off so late -- this move has occupied all my extra time. Thanks for your patience...I hope that it will be worth the wait.

Notice my little thief in the photo: The children couldn't wait to test their little taste buds on the Biscotti...I managed to save a few for myself.

Thanks again Sylvia for organizing...it was fun to see what everyone received, even though I was the last one to get her package off!

Photos that go with previous post

2008-07-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

Father Deacon Raphael (left) with Father Deacon Nicodemus holding the reliquary covering of St. Herman of Alaska at The Holy Resurrection Cathedral, Kodiak, Alaska

Spruce Island, Alaska
Pathway toward St. Herman's miraculous spring.

I love this photo with the black robes against the green foliage.
Truly beautiful!

Most Holy Father Herman of Alaska, pray unto God for us!

Doubt or Panic? Which one comes first?

2008-07-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like St. Peter when he walked out onto the water to be with Jesus. My eyes, heart, and mind remain fastened on Him. However, now I feel like I am sinking...

In one day, the tub overflowed with the help of the 3 year old "bailing ship". "But, mommy my boat it's broken!" As water poured into the basement, I start to panic -- yelling for FDR. "Umm, HONEY -- get down here, NOW!" About an hour later, still soaking up the water mess from the boy, I sensed an odor, "What is that smell? Did someone not flush, again?" After a brief investigation, we headed back to the basement realizing that the sewer backed up..."Oh for heaven's sake!"

Here, in Western New York, we've had tons of rain --wonderful thunder storms, of which later that night we awoke with rain literally drowning, now this time, our upstairs bathroom. The gutter outside was obviously clogged and the rain poured inside the window causing a mini lake. As I grabbed more towels...only to do this laundry later -- I started to cry...panic...doubt!

Could this be a sign? A sign that we are making the wrong choice or possibly the right one, in moving all of us away from what we know and truly love into the unknown of seminary living? I start my "stinking thinking", as FDR calls it, and thought "Who am I fooling? I can't even handle some water issues -- what makes me think that I can handle seminary life?"

"But when he (Peter) saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out saying "Lord help me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I was about to drown in my panic hesitation of wavering doubt, with logosmoi pulling down on me..."Lord help me!"

As I mentioned before, everything has worked out...every little detail from exactly 1 year ago up until today...

Last summer, July 31, 2007, FDR and I had the privilege of traveling to Kodiak Alaska to assist the week prior to and participate in the St. Herman of Alaska Pilgrimage. During the pilgrimage week, once a year, permission is granted to open the reliquary of St. Herman for veneration after the Akathist service. As I walked away, I surveyed my husband standing over the sarcophagus, holding the lid up for all to see inside. My husband was covered in a cloud, no doubt the presence of God in front of his very mortal being.

The room began to take on a different shape where movements appeared to slow and sounds became crystal clear...the flicker of the candles could be heard. A sensational light fragrance filled the church. It was after boating to Spruce Island the next day, where St. Herman lived, that the fragrance came back to me and seeped into my woolen sweater -- into the pores of my skin. It was the spruce trees! It was the ground! Those mammoth trees growing towards the heavens permeated in many many years of prayer -- rooted deep and strong into the carpeted brownie-green moss anchored into the earth's most beautiful sweet smelling soil.

After venerating St. Herman's relics, I went to borrow one of the Yupik babies to help out one of the seminary moms. I proceeded outside to rest on the Cathedral's front steps. Sitting on the steps with this adorable pudgy baby, I began to scan the breath taking scenery of snow-covered mountain tops and the mirrored glass of St. Paul Harbor. There, the Holy Spirit came to me, I believe, or St. Herman, quiet yet a still presence. No, I did not hear anything audible. The world around me magnified...the air still, not stifling. The leaves danced to a melody unknown until this moment of grace appeared. And it was just that...grace -- penetrating into the fibers of my being. It was as hot oil, not scorching, had been poured over my head and reached to the tip of my toes and fingers -- warming me from within. This was well with my soul and I knew...that we ought to go to seminary. That is all I knew. I began to shiver but I was warm all over. My face was flushed yet I was not overheated. A joy seeped in -- a gentle smile of tears...those quiet tears that well up from your soul.

Pulling myself together with heart pounding secrecy awaiting to speak with my husband, as he finished his "Deacon duties". He finally came outside onto the steps of the Cathedral, where I was mingling with visiting pilgrims, and I noticed he looked different -- such peace in his eyes. I could sense that he too, couldn't wait to speak with me.

Reaching for his hand, I quietly said "Let's walk...a good walk, I need to talk with you" "I would like that", he answered with his sweetest of smiles.

We walked hand in hand...I started to cry. This time, these tears would not stop and they flowed just like the rain coming into our window. We connected -- we were in agreement and we knew. He spoke first with careful softness "We should go to seminary -- I don't know if it's here in Alaska...I don't know where, still I feel the call to go." With a firm embrace, he twirled me around and reminded me that he, in his short lifetime, only had this "feeling" two other times: 1) when he knew he loved me and wanted to make me his bride 2) when he knew that The Orthodox Church was where we needed be and 3) that he was called to seminary -- to ministry.

WHEW! How do you object to that?

In one day, in one hour of walking we laid out plans, which actually seemed like seconds, then we prayed "Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, according to your will."

You see, about 2 years ago, I was adamantly against going off to seminary. I loved my home too much -- where could we find one like it again? Doubt! How on earth are we going to pay for this? We had gone through a very rough patch financially...panic and doubt! I cannot leave my family -- what about my mom, my friends, the home school group, what about church? Panic! I wanted him to keep working as a police officer, where he was burned out and restless -- a conflict of interests, as he put it.

The home we loved (still adore) sold, although, we find ourselves relieved with much gratitude. We graciously received a full three-year scholarship...Thank you Lord! We will undoubtedly miss our friends and family. Nevertheless, they have been the backbone in affirming that we OUGHT TO GO...our cup runneth over -- we are truly blessed! Father Deacon Raphael, aka Lt. Kevin, retires after 20 years of service July 31, in addition to, we close on the house -- exactly one year from our trip to Alaska...uncanny!

I cannot promise that my panic hesitation with wavering doubt will not creep in from time to time...still, I stand amazed -- whether it be on the water or in a foot of rainwater -- I am in awe of God!

"...Truly You are the Son of God."

A note to self: "Do not dig up in doubt what you have planted by Faith"

Whom Do You Say That I AM?

2008-06-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

Father Deacon Raphael, aka FDR or my hubby gave the sermon yesterday. Just wanted to share: http://bonovox.squarespace.com/journal/

Live as Christians

2008-06-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

"Beloved Christians, you and your children shall appear at that Judgment of Christ, and you shall give account for them to the just Judge. He will not ask you whether you have taught your children the arts or whether you have taught them to speak French, or German, or Italian, but whether you have taught them to live as Christians." -- St. Tikhon of Zadonsk

One, Two...Testing

2008-06-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

I began the kids CAT (California Achievement Test) yesterday. These are incredibly basic exams but to the children: a dreaded task where they look at the test as pure punishment. "Insert the square peg into the round hole and you shall fail if it does not fit." Notice my sarcasm? We (FDR & I) don't particularly agree with standardized testing but it is "required" in New York State, so we oblige. The above cartoon just about sums up my reasoning. Although, it could be worse, if residing in California, where the parent is required to be certified when teaching a child at home. Can you say, "Constitutional Rights?" However, these little exams are the "red-tape" we need to place into the students records -- a piece of paper to forever keep in their education file. Okay, it helps me assess their strengths & weaknesses - basically speaking.

"It is so boring", says Colin. What did he want, a circus to come to town and present the test?! Ahhh! Sarcasm with my 11 year old...such sport! But he is correct...it's too easy for him.

"I can't understand what they are asking!", moans Hannah. She prefers me to sit near by for the entire test. "This", she says "helps me feel better." She finishes without a major melt down and that is a major accomplishment.

Colin, our eldest, aka "Mr. C" easily whipped through the test. However, throughout the year, he displayed laziness with disdain to every subject, except History and only when Daddy was teaching. I'm beginning to think that the "C" stands for "Couch-loafer" or more appropriate: "Con-artist." There is no doubt in my mind that he is a natural learner and is capable of doing way above his age/grade level. How to get him off the couch without threatening his life? Well, that is entirely a different undertaking. Someday, FDR and I would like our very own (small) working farm -- for we know, shoveling manure would do Mr. C some good!

Hannah, our second, surely plays the part of the eldest. She is continually reminded: "That I am the mother." She is organized and motivated BUT when she is not "in the mood"....watch out! Hmm...is she like me, after all?! She started the test beautifully eventually losing steam. I held Colin's easiness to her. This was not fair.

Colin and Hannah are clearly two different individuals with their own abilities and developments. While home schooling two, three and four...it's necessary to continually change your teaching methods -- to switch gears with each child. It can be trying...but when you assign according to your child's abilities, they are capable of so much -- more than you thought and attitudes seem to make the adjustment. Most days all it takes is letting go of your agenda.

We, as their parent/teachers, are here to guide their interests, talents, differences, and abilities and let them run with it...instructing them along the way according to The Church and God's perfect will. We are to assist in steering and not to hold on too tightly. As each year passes, my steering grip loosens, yet cautiously, as they learn how to live out God's will. I will continue to pray along the way that they stay the course and "fight the good fight!" in the hope that they become independent, yet completely dependent upon our Heavenly Father.

Something I am still striving for...taught through my children -- tested more than I ever thought possible! God is Good!

"Blessed are you, O Christ our God..."

2008-06-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

Recently, FDR wrote on his blog about me, a tribute far too magnanimous.

Therefore, on this Father's day, I am especially reflective when it comes to dear hubby, this incredible father to our 4 beautiful children.

He is kind & gentle, not the gentle where he can't do a man's day work (you should have seen him carry all the boxes for the yard sale -- extremely impressive), but that he thinks before he speaks, is careful with his delivery and expresses himself with such diplomacy, one wonders if he is ever affected by negativity. I believe he lets it fall to the wayside.

He is patient -- so very patient with me and the children -- we love him so tenderly and with much enthusiasm. FDR is somewhat of an introvert while he is introspective with his thoughts on life, people & the world around him. He is a voracious reader. I read some, where as, he'll have 3-4 books at a time - reabsorbing a book for a third read. FDR has a humble spirituality while he strives to do "ONLY God's will".

He is the kind of husband and father that graciously allows for our happiness and comfort over his own. FDR makes me feel alive with his desire to travel, his reading, and his intensity in discussing world views, as well as, a current Yankee game, which is one of his most favorite of favorites -- Baseball! Hmm... maybe a cigar with a good warm Guinness. But always with me, right dear? Just say "right dear". He is my best friend.

In this celebration of Pentecost, given to us by our Lord through the gift of the Holy Spirit, it is no wonder that through our marriage and in raising the children, that I (we) feel so alive! Capable only because of His love giving us life...

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them" (Mt. 8:20).

"The Church into one body, the Body of Christ animated by the Holy Spirit. In the Holy Spirit, the apostles are united, but not confused, for each keeps his own identity and diversity. They are the image of God, Trinity-Unity, the three persons always united but never confused. In the same way the apostles are united, but they are all different. The miracle of tongues received personally by each apostle, each speaking a different language, is the miracle of perfect unity in variety. It is like an orchestra playing a symphony: the most diverse instruments are attuned to produce a single sound." (The Incarnate God - The Feasts of Jesus Christ & the Virgin Mary, Vol.II/SVS Press).

As St. Seraphim of Sarov said "The goal of the Christian life is the acquisition of the Holy Spirit"

I observe this very entity within my husband. Yet, audacious but permissible since the day of Pentecost. I am thankful that my husband, this adored father, abides in the guiding of the Holy Spirit to Lead our Family.

A Blessed Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there.

Blessed Pentecost!

"...O Lover of man, glory to you!"

Problem or Solution?...that is the question

2008-06-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

I need to admit something; a public confession to a delusional picture...

The truth:

we have too much JUNK! Too much accumulated throughout our 14 years together, having 4 children added to the piles, in addition to owning a large house to contain all the craziness.

When you enter the everyday living quarters you don't see this wasteland of rubbish but find a very organized spit-spot home. Secretly, I hide my "got-it-all togetherness" into the depths of the basement including the "we-can't-park-in-it -garage-because-it's chuck-full-of-nonsense!" Therefore, years later I am surrounded by an enormous task--Mission Impossible!

Hubby heartily uses a particular quote and I think that it needs to be engraved onto his tombstone, one day: "You're either part of the problem or part of the solution" Hmm, ironically, he owns 3/4 of the rubbish. But, upon marriage, in a sense, I agreed to this...heh hem...his madness. Okay! I won't blame here and no more excuses, either -- that would be a problem.

We are given a chance to undo this madness and make some sense out of the senseless gathering, storing, and hoarding.

Solution:

We will, naturally, have a Yard Sale, as this sounds better than advertising a Junk Sale, starting this Saturday and each Saturday till we move or until the junk is forever removed from the garage and basement, which ever comes first.

Those that know FDR and me, realize that we are taking one-step-at-a-time to improve on environmental problems and initiate solutions. I've purchased the recycled grocery bags to use again and again. For several months, I've saved plastic bags to use on Yard Sale Day and will hand them out to each customer with a grateful smile; instructing them to "Please take a bag and fill it with anything you like -- all for $1.00" I am not concerned about making a profit, just more about getting things out of here. "Everything must go!"

That is one problem, one solution down. So, let's see...oh, forget it! my list is way too long to number.

Packing is gradual, as I (we) tackle each room, focusing on one room per week. Anyone ever use those "As seen on TV" space-saver vacuum bags? Just curious...looks like a dandy useful idea!

So, if you're in the neighborhood and have an extra dollar, Stop by! Did I mention the family/friend discount? Anything you want is yours for FREE!

Recipe: Sauteed Baby Artichokes

2008-06-07T15:06:00.000-07:00

Here's a delicious recipe (that's if you like artichokes).

I simply love, love, love them! Did I mention that I love them? Hubby and I like to eat them prepared in a variety of ways but the following is our favorite way to enjoy these green beauties, not only for the savory taste but for the packed in nutrients they offer: lots of fiber, which is great for the liver, and loads of antioxidants; more than a glass of red wine. In my humble opinion, the wine and "choke" go exceptionally well together -- so go ahead and get a double dose!

How to prepare:

1) cut the stem off at base. Peel back and snap off petals until cone of yellow petls remains. 2) cut off top 1/3 of each artichoke. Drop into bowl of waterwith 2 TBSP lemon juice at each step to prevent browning. 3) Leave small babies whole. Halve or quarter medium or large babies. Drain well before cooking.

1 pkg of baby artichokes - approx. 12 (in the produce section)

1/2 cup olive oil

1 medium onion, chopped

3 gloves garlic, minced

1 Tbs lemon juice or balsamic vinegar (I prefer the BV)

1/2 tsp salt

dash of pepper

Prepare baby artichokes as directed. Drain well and pat dry. In large skillet over medium-high heat, heat olive oil. Add onion, garlic and baby artichokes and cook stirring until artichokes are just tender, about 5 to 8 minutes. Sprinkle with lemon juice or vinegar, salt and pepper.

Toss with hot cooked pasta or eat alone topped with a sprinkle of shredded asiago cheese.

ENJOY!

The Orthodox Mom Travel Swap

2008-06-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just joined up for this and hoping for some interesting returns. Should you like to know more, go to Orthodox Mom blog on my side panel.

Opening a can of worms

2008-06-03T08:56:00.001-07:00

Well, we had the dreaded inspection on the house yesterday and to say the least, this inspector with the prospective buyers went through each room using a fine tooth comb. Did I mention that this was STRESSFUL! We received a rather long itemized list of the wrongful findings...OUCH!

FDR and I thought, 9 1/2 years ago, that purchasing an old home was wonderful and charming. Today, trying to iron out the wrinkles for closing day, I feel that "this old house" is a can of worms - dead ones!

The electrical system is a colossal mess! By the grace of God, no major explosions ever occurred. We are blessed to personally know an electrician that will address any of these pressing safety issues and met with him this evening. Thank God! As my realtor and dear friend said "just another hurdle to get you one step closer to St. Vladimir's...we can make it"

All in all, the buyers seem to be handling this with great ease. They are a beautiful Christian couple who want this big house to raise foster children. FDR mentioned, when we put the house on the market, that all we needed was one good family...by the grace of God, that is what we received.

Then, why can I not remain in God's peace? Everything, up to this point, has worked out...yet, I am worrying, short with the children and can't stay on track with their studies. There is much too much to do and the clock is ticking...

Brooding this all through, I am reminded that I, personally, have a rather large list -- of sins, that is. And whenever I prepare for confession it is like opening a can of worms. But there is hope in Jesus Christ our Lord and with Him, through Him, my soul is learning to forgive while yielding to His perfect will -- one step at a time.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Cor. 4:8-10

As we come to a close in singing "Christ is Risen..." may we hold onto the joy of His Resurrection and continue to learn how to die to ourselves through Christ our Lord.

Pray for me, a sinner...

Everything is changing...

2008-06-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

Indeed, a chuckle comes forth upon reading the title of my newfangled blog, of which was encouraged (or was that in jest, boys?), by two very dear friends, who had intrigued me to start a blog and title it "Everything down the chute!" Because whenever they are over, which is often, KJB and TJM hear me constantly tell my four lovely children to "throw everything down the chute". Each time, laughter arises and I am the brunt of their on-going teasing. You see, I am, somewhat, of a perfectionist, or so it seems, and I like to see "everything" in it's place or not seen at all.

Hence, this ritual has been going on for over 9 years, being one of the first accomplishments with each child we had. "Oh look, honey! Colin threw everything down the chute". I have had many surprises: half eaten apples, banana peels, my wallet, cellphone, dirty diapers, etc... The children are amused by this old invention and have many games with the one from upstairs to the middle floor to the basement and tend to hold meetings doing such shenanigans.

Why now, write about this? You see, we are leaving our beloved house and attending St. Vladimir's Theological Seminary this fall. There is no laundry chute, in fact, we are squeezing into a 2 bedroom apartment!

Therefore, I am placing "everything down the chute"...our life into God's hands. Most of our material possessions are going to the "land of garage sale", storage, or to friends. I am cleaning, purging, simplifying and it is well with my soul...satisfying and freeing!

Please be patient with me, as this is my first attempt at blogging, and bare with me as I ramble about raising 4 homeschooled children, be(coming)ing a clergy wife, and living at St. Vladimir's.

I gratefully accept your input along the way...for "no man is an island" remembering that "we are the Body of Christ"

Sadly, I am going to miss my laundry chute...

I fancy that I'll also miss the teasing from my dearest of friends.